Ultimatum
A promise is a promise.
Though not everything to tell, it’s enough. Vague enough for anyone who don’t know me that well and enough for people who do.
By the way, I wrote this way before January 10th… and so much has happened on the tenth… That would be for a different post.
Again, thanks…
BTW, forgive my incoherence…
Confusion and pain envelope me. I hide my tears and suffering and confusion behind my deceiving smile. Nobody knows how much it pains me…
It pains me because I don’t know why I’m distressed by all of these. And for this I always want to sock myself in the face.
Have I fallen? I have no experience in such matters that’s why I ask people who do have. And yet, they say the oddest things… One thing’s for sure— there can be a chance after all.
But I do not want to commit the same mistake I’ve had before…
I’m just happy some other people are luckier than me in finding this… and being happy about it.
Now, one question remains in my head– do I take a chance on it or regret not even taking it?
And yet, so many things hold me back– maybe the same reasons why I pushed him away…
For one thing, I stand as the eldest in the family and being that, I promised not to enter any relationship before graduation. And I know my limits– I can easily be distracted and be addicted about something (doesn’t have to be illegal though– wait! My org is illegal in my parents’ terms)
Second, I’m afraid. Sure, I can be a hopeless romantic most of the time, and can be found drifting off to dream land about a prince charming carrying me away… but somehow I’m afraid of it… I’ve become paranoid of what-ifs that could happen w/in a relationship. I guess I’ve read too many books, watched too many movies– The reason why I push people away?– I shout at my sister, I have a hard time telling my parents I love them…
It all actually comes down to: “I’m afraid to commit” and I probably do. Would there be any cure for me then? But looking at it this way, isn’t sticking up with CdL for almost a year now, commitment? Isn’t putting up my own place and keep it, commitment? Isn’t staying in my org, commitment? If I’ve been doing it all this time, how can I be afraid of it?
I turn around and see nothing but more questions… and beyond them, more are waiting…
Should I take a chance? Even if I would I can’t…
I’ve made a promise– a promise I have to keep.
Or should I let it go? Even if I’m not sure, and thoughts are unsorted, I know something in me will hold back that decision…
Why is it hard to do this? Why?
And more questions…
