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Not Evil Enough

I have been told so many times before that I somehow lack the *evil* gene. Now yes, I know that’s a good thing, but I somehow feel I need to be a bit naughty.

Sure, I can lie a bit, cheat a bit, even hurt people a bit– but it seems I will never be evil enough. I make mistakes sure, but that doesn’t count as being evil because it’s part of being a human being.

Har. I remember someone telling me off when I tried to crack a joke way back…

Cute, Camille. But not funny. You’re funny in a… wholesome way. You’re not evil enough to be really really funny– even hilarious.

Weh? What was that? Not evil enough to be funny? Psh. I can throw pies at people’s faces too you know! That is, if you just let me.

. . .

Okay, fine. So I can’t be funny. So I dismissed the idea of making people laugh and settled on making people smile. (I can make people smile right?)

So I get by…

Until I graduated and needed to find work. I was then advised by a senior on how to get the job I wanted.

Camille, in this world, you can’t be too good. You have to be strong, be a fighter– and I’m sorry to say you’re not evil enough for it.

What? First, I can’t be funny– now I can’t make it in this world if I’m not evil enough? And I even lack that? Okay, how am I supposed to survive the real world now? *sob*sniff*sob*

But hey, am here, surviving. 2 years in the evil real world, conquered evil people who steal money nonetheless. Har! So who’s not evil enough now? Continue reading →

It’s so accurate…

My Color Quiz results:

Existing Situation

Avoids excessive effort and needs roots, security, and peaceful companionship. May be physically unwell, in need of gentle handling and considerate treatment.

Stress Sources

Unfulfilled hopes have led to uncertainty and apprehension. Needs to feel secure and to avoid any further disappointment, and fears being passed over or losing standings and prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the future and this negative attitude leads her to make exaggerated demands and to refuse to make reasonable compromises.

Restrained Characteristics

The situation is preventing her from establishing herself, but she feels she must make the best of things as they are.

Conditions are such that she will not let herself become intimately involved without making mental reservations.

Desired Objective

Wants to swipe aside the things that stand in her way, to follow her impulses, and be involved in special or exciting happenings. In this way she hopes to deaden the intensity of her conflicts, but her impulsive behavior leads her to take risks.

Actual Problem

Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to stress and anxiety. She wants congenial contact with others and scope for development, but feels that her relationships are empty and her progress impeded. She reacts with an intense and zealous activity designed to achieve her aims at all costs.

This is scary. Sometimes, I wish this were an excuse to tell people this is exactly how I feel right now.

Even in Dreams…

I was in a room full of people.

There seemed to be a celebration going on.

Of a friend’s? A relative’s? Not sure.

I was just there, invited.

Everyone was happy.

I was then asked to give a speech for the celebration.

I wondered, “Why me?” But I went on anyway.

I stood at the podium and started talking.

It doesn’t seem that people were taking interest on me, so I said whatever I wanted to say.

Not about the celebration but about something else.

Nobody cared anyway. Everybody was so into their private conversations. They took no notice of me.

Then one certain topic came out of my blabber.

I then started crying.

I broke down. I cried and cried. My heartfelt sadness overflowing.

I then woke up.

I woke up with tears in my eyes.

And then fell asleep again. A dreamless sleep.

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