I’ve been making a lot of choices…
Choices that could make or break my future.
But I wanted to–
I needed to.
So I would know…
Is this really for me?
Is this mine?
I need to change…
But my current position limits me in some way.
It exhausts me and limits me to do anything I want.
I want change.
Ate, di ka na ngumingiti.
Whenever my 13-year-old sister tells me that (which have been a lot recently), I face her then give her a big broad smile. Fake or not, it makes her laugh and say…
Yan!!! Much better!
And I feel better a bit.
Recently, it’s been getting harder for me to smile for no reason. Most of the time, I’ll be seen to concentrated with work, and my brows meeting. My mom would then poke me and say…
O, nakakunot ka nanaman.
And I’ll try to continue doing my work with a smile or a neutral face… but then I’ll be eventually frowning again.
Tatanda ka agad nyan!
I sigh. And continue with my work.
I don’t know why. Stress? Work? *shrug* Could be. But I’ve been smiling less and it’s hard to get me to smile again.
Smile!!! Coz life sucks half the time!
So says, my signature in forums and email. But for now, am having a hard time following it.
I have been told so many times before that I somehow lack the *evil* gene. Now yes, I know that’s a good thing, but I somehow feel I need to be a bit naughty.
Sure, I can lie a bit, cheat a bit, even hurt people a bit– but it seems I will never be evil enough. I make mistakes sure, but that doesn’t count as being evil because it’s part of being a human being.
Har. I remember someone telling me off when I tried to crack a joke way back…
Cute, Camille. But not funny. You’re funny in a… wholesome way. You’re not evil enough to be really really funny– even hilarious.
Weh? What was that? Not evil enough to be funny? Psh. I can throw pies at people’s faces too you know! That is, if you just let me.
. . .
Okay, fine. So I can’t be funny. So I dismissed the idea of making people laugh and settled on making people smile. (I can make people smile right?)
So I get by…
Until I graduated and needed to find work. I was then advised by a senior on how to get the job I wanted.
Camille, in this world, you can’t be too good. You have to be strong, be a fighter– and I’m sorry to say you’re not evil enough for it.
What? First, I can’t be funny– now I can’t make it in this world if I’m not evil enough? And I even lack that? Okay, how am I supposed to survive the real world now? *sob*sniff*sob*
But hey, am here, surviving. 2 years in the evil real world, conquered evil people who steal money nonetheless. Har! So who’s not evil enough now? (more…